by Beth Collea, Religious Education and Outreach Coordinator, NEYM
Originally published in Spark, NYYM’s newsletter, March 2016
My Quaker Outreach Mantra is “Meet newcomers where they are, but don’t leave them where you found them.” It’s easy to reduce outreach to an attractive website, an eye-catching sign, or a thoughtfully gathered and displayed set of pamphlets. But if we want to attain what I consider the Gold Standard of Quaker Outreach—having newcomers experience their own encounter with the divine—we’ll need to add Quaker Religious Education to the picture!
I’m inspired by a reimagined model for faith formation by Diana Butler Bass. Let’s use it to explore where the particular needs of families fit in the whole arc of outreach work. [Bass, Diana Butler. Christianity After Religion: The End of Church and the Birth of a New Spiritual Awakening. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. 2012.]
Bass’ model illustrates the traditional understanding of how belief forms read in the downward direction. First, we embrace a set of beliefs, then, our actions change to match those beliefs, and finally, we join the meeting or church.

Bass flips the model on its head and instructs us to look first to belonging as the start of the process. First, we find a meeting community in which we feel comfortable and accepted, where we belong. Then, we change the way we behave to more and more closely match that of the Friends around us. We begin to live more and more fully the Quaker Way. And, finally, we discover that we have embraced Quakerism, that our Quaker meeting “is our path to God,” as Lloyd Lee Wilson says. Now, we believe, and it is time to write our letter requesting membership. Bass calls reading of the model in the upward direction “the path of transformation.”
She underscores the key role of relationships in this process, reminding us that spiritual formation is like knitting. “If you want to knit, you find someone who knits to teach you.” Let’s briefly explore each step in the model, lifting up questions to ask ourselves and our meetings or Friends churches. Then, I’ll offer a few observations drawn from my Outreach work in New England Yearly Meeting.
Belonging:
- How do we help families feel they belong?
- How do we help them quickly assess the “fit” between their journeys and what the meeting has to offer?
Remember, not everyone is on a Quaker journey! Helping newcomers discern and decide quickly benefits both of you. If this isn’t the path for them, bless them on their way.
Behaving:
- How do we help new families live out the Quaker way through opportunities for witness, service, living simply, peaceful parenting, etc?
- Do we have times and spaces to check in about how it is going?
Living in a Quakerly way is good as far as it goes. But, it is important that we do not stop there. We have to intentionally reach beyond an external code of conduct to something deeper and living. While it’s true that what we do can change who we are, leaving spiritual formation unnamed and unsupported hinders or even truncates the process of opening ourselves to the divine. We need to continually remind newcomers, and ourselves, “When you’re ready, there’s more.” as Marty Grundy is fond of saying. The final step helps us deliver on that promise.
Believing:
- How do we help parents and children get traction on their own Quaker journeys?
- Are we giving evidence of the power at the heart of Quakerism that guides, comforts, and even corrects, challenges, or rebukes as it draws us into New Life?
Are there Friends ready and able to swim in this deep, living water with parents who may request companionship on that journey?
Diana Butler Bass hopes our Quaker meetings will become Guilds for Spiritual Practice. Imagine how our local meetings might be different if they were Guilds for Spiritual Practice! We’d have a clarity and ready acknowledgment of our purpose as the Religious Society of Friends. We’d have a shared language to communicate our experiences. We’d have well-‐established paths toward proficiency. We’d have active encouragement to advance on the Quaker spiritual path. We’d celebrate milestones on the spiritual journeys of Friends in our meetings. And, lastly, we’d value and esteem the more proficient among us—their lives serving as inspiration.
Finally, I’d like to offer three observations drawn from my work in NEYM.
1. Create opportunities to increase a sense of belonging. Church growth literature tells us that the number one motivation for folks going to church on any given Sunday is the expectation of seeing a friend. Before a newcomer sees the Light, they may need to feel the warmth of our community. Here are three ideas to consider:
Parents’ Night Out—social potlucks for parents with young children, with childcare at the meetinghouse and parents at a nearby home. Here is a chance to build those connections while they bask in finished sentences and adult company!
Quaker Parent Conversations around themes like “Weaving the Testimonies into our Parenting”. At Wellesley Meeting, we hosted these early on Saturday evenings. We provided dinner and supervised play for children.
Have children report to meeting for business in worship on anything they did as a Quaker, e.g. going to Friends Camp, special service projects, a school report on a Quaker subject or historical figure, etc. This idea was offered to the Quaker RE Collaborative (QREC) by Karen Greenler reflecting on her experience in an Iowa Conservative Meeting. This simple practice is deeply affirming for children and parents alike.
Make sure events are accessible. Offer quality childcare and plan events at days and times families can attend. Be sensitive about costs. Don’t price young families out of special events or set up systems around asking for assistance that leave them feeling embarrassed or diminished.
2. Don’t be afraid to set the bar a little higher for potential involvement, growth, and engagement in the world, in and through the Meeting. This is often compelling and captivating for newcomers. People find time for something that matters and feeds their soul. Setting expectations too low leaves newcomers with the sense that they won’t be missed when they don’t attend and that the involvement with meeting isn’t worthwhile. Just to be clear, do invite newcomers into active engagement and participation in study classes, celebrations, and one-‐time events. Do not start by nominating a newcomer to committee service! Give them a chance to find what has Life for them.
3. Watch the Social Glue in your Meeting. Social Glue is my informal term for the amount of warmth and cohesion in the circle of Friends. Too little or too much can be a problem. If there isn’t enough, a family won’t stick. Some signs that you need to warm up your Social Glue include: no one lingers after meeting to chat, Friends don’t know what is going on in each other’s lives, Friends don’t get together outside of meeting for worship. If there is too much Social Glue, a new family can’t break into the social circle. The telltale indicators of too much Social Glue are just the opposite of too little warmth and cohesion. Friends linger after meeting but have so much to say to each other that no one speaks to a newcomer. Or, Friends have so many additional social connections outside the meeting that they unknowingly form a closed clique.
If you have too little Social Glue—warm up your meeting socially! Have more events to get to know each other. Parties are actually very important. Festive events have low social thresholds and let folks get to know each other without pressure to speak of faith and be put on the spot. This builds trust, which is one key foundation of our worshipping community. When I served as RE Coordinator for Wellesley Meeting, I always used to write a personal, hand-‐written note on Monday to a new family. I’d tell why the meeting has been crucial in my life and that of my family, and then, invite them to the next party. We had about one occasion a month.
If you have too much Social Glue—a newcomer will always stay an “outsider.” To relax too much Social Glue, try to loosen the edges of your group. Invite other Friends to worship with you to reacquaint the meeting with the experience of having folks beyond their immediate circle gathering with them. Work with Interfaith groups. Don’t be too peculiar—“we’re a peculiar people”—but don’t bask in it to the point that others are put off. One new family at NEYM Sessions last year asked for a study card decoding all of the Quaker acronyms. Business meeting seemed unintelligible to them! Sharing a language is a crucial part of belonging—we need to define terms like clearness, sense of the meeting, leading, and the whole alphabet soup of acronyms that Friends love.
We began by linking outreach and religious education. One final caution: ninety-five percent of Quaker religious education actually happens in the home. Rather than making those times when a family is attending Quaker meeting less important, this fact actually makes those moments more critical. We need to be ready to help children and parents to take up spiritual practices at home, to talk about what they are experiencing together, and to creatively use everyday moments like driving to a sports practice to make space for deeper reflections. Each Sunday, we need to welcome families back and be the warm prayerful circle of Friends in which they can rest, find renewal and encouragement, and listen for God together.